If you want to learn how to stop fighting about money, you first need to recognize the patterns that lead to conflict. It often starts with something small. One partner faces an unexpected bout of money stress, the other checks the bank balance, and a short comment quickly turns into a full argument at the kitchen table. It’s no wonder that money is one of the leading causes of divorce.
If you are trying to stop fighting about money, the first thing to know is that the tension usually is not only about dollars. It is often about deeper issues like anxiety, fear, fairness, control, or the feeling that no one is listening. The good news is that these situations can change when you improve how you talk, plan, and decide together to resolve your money arguments.
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Why Do Couples Argue About Money
Really, there are so many reasons.
- Spender versus Saver
- Upbringing
- Poor communication
- Lack of confidence
- Coping mechanism
- Difference in priorities
- Lack of a budget
- Money avoidance
- Financial education
- Who earns the money
- Who is in charge of the money
Spender versus Saver
A spender tends to spend their money, and a saver tends to save it. This is more of a personality trait, just like some people are generous, and some are stingy. In a relationship, this can bring about a lot of havoc, as there are few things worse than having someone else drain their bank account.
What’s the solution? Well, this is a hard one, which is why this leads to arguments and even divorce so often. Setting up boundaries, priorities, and spending limits can help, which can work well if you have self-control and are honest.
Upbringing
If you were raised in a family where financial struggles were common, you may grow up to value money more, leading you to work harder or longer, which can cause strain in a relationship. Or, you can grow up to be a Saver or worry more about money.
If your family was very well off and you didn’t have to worry about money, you may be more loose with your spending or not have learned how to manage money. Or, you could have a better education about money from parents who knew how to manage money and pass their knowledge to their children.
In either case, your upbringing plays a part in how you think about money and shapes the money habits you have today.
Poor communication
How would you feel if your spouse went ahead with a large purchase without consulting you? Perhaps they are a spender, and you are a saver. Not being consulted about large or even small purchases can cause, and often does cause, arguments due to feelings of dismissal. Being ignored can make you feel like your input is not important, which is really bad for relationships.
Couples should check with each other before buying things instead and nurture a relationship of trust, where one’s opinion and input are just as important as the other’s.
Lack of confidence
Spending money gives a temporary boost in morale, making you feel important and powerful. No one can deny there is a certain power that comes with knowing you can spend money, which is quite all right to have. However, spending money can also be used as a way to cover up low confidence or injured self-esteem.
If you feel your partner is struggling with low self-esteem and uses spending as a bandage solution, talk about it. Ensuring they are loved, safe, and that their value is not connected to their ability to spend money can go a long way.
Coping mechanism
I once met a woman during a three-day workshop by Robert Kiyosaki. She shared with me that the reason she’s here is to figure out how to get out of debt, as her brother has recently passed away and she has been using shopping as a therapy, incurring more than $200,000 in consumer debt over a very short period of time.
Life can take unexpected turns often, and good people often pass away when they shouldn’t. If your partner is struggling with loss and using spending as a coping mechanism, talk about it. Perhaps they are bottling up their feelings, need professional help, or just a safe space to unload all their emotions, things they wish they had done while they were still alive, or conversations they never got the chance to have.
Difference in priorities and goals
Some people may value being able to retire early, while others value experiences over possessions now. This is very similar to the Spender versus Saver, but it goes far beyond that.
I recently watched a YouTube channel of a couple who sold their house in Europe and bought 100 crypto coins when it was still low. They moved into a trailer, then the Crypto dropped very low, and they had all their friends telling them “I told you so”. I can’t imagine the stress and arguments this would have caused most couples. Luckily, they were both on the same page and had an agreement to wait it out. Now that Crypto is so high, they are living a large life and are millionaires. And while I’m not suggesting that anyone sell their house to buy Bitcoin, I certainly think it’s a good example of how having the same financial priorities can either make or break a relationship.
Lack of a budget
Many couples and even families don’t have a budget. Money comes, and money goes, and they are living paycheck to paycheck. Not having a budget can cause a lot of fights in a relationship, and you will probably not realize that the lack of a budget is the problem. Money just disappears every month, and neither one knows where it goes.
Luckily, this is easily fixed with one of our Google Sheets budgets. They are easy to use, the file can be shared so both can have access and edit or add things to it, and it can be viewed and accessed online through your Google account.
Money avoidance
Money avoidance is when you avoid looking into your finances, financial tasks, or financial information. Thinking things will just ‘sort themselves out’, not checking bank accounts, not opening bank statements, not negotiating better insurance rates, not negotiating better interest rates, and so on.
Procrastination, lack of knowledge, or avoiding any sort of financial conversation can cause a ton of arguments because, well, it causes a lack of money, which is the main reason for most arguments.
Financial education
Lack of financial education can be very costly. Most of us are taught different things about money, whether it’s passed down from family or friends or we figure it out as we enter adulthood. Some of us avoid debt at all costs, while some are taught there is good debt and bad debt, and others take on credit card debt without discernment.
Some of us barely manage a checking and a savings account, while others know how to invest their money and get a return.
Some understand the difference between good debt and bad debt, while some of us have none.
Some are taught what percentage of our income to live on, to spend, to save, and even to donate.
Whatever your financial education is, it’s very rare that both of you would have it the same.
Who Earns the Money
More often than not, the person who earns the money feels like they should have the stronger voice in deciding how to spend the money, especially if it’s a single-income household.
For those households where the woman isn’t “earning” the money, it’s important to stand the ground. There are many “jobs” that a woman does inside the home that would otherwise be an expense to the household if outsourced.
How much would it cost to hire a nanny, a cleaner, a driver, a home educator, a cook, a baker, a gardener, a mother or a “generation-shaper”? It can be hard to put a monetary value on such things; however, if the “earner” is using their status for leverage in the relationship and this is causing arguments, then, in my opinion, a detailed list should be constructed with a monetary value attached to it.
Who is in Charge of the Money
Usually, one person in the relationship wants to be in charge of the money, or they may not want to but realize their partner is a spender or would do a worse job than they would, so they take that on. Ideally, one person should be good with paying the bills on time, managing the finances, and keeping the other in the loop of things. Again, it’s important to have a budget, and I can’t stress the importance of a bill calendar enough.
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